Destructive communication erodes self-esteem and harms relationships. Such communication patterns may be destructive, but, sadly, plenty of people fall into the trap of indulging in them. If you and your relationship partners follow these rules and steer clear of the traps of destructive communication, you will almost certainly feel better about each other and your relationship.
1. Use I-messages instead of You-messages. You-messages sound blaming and accusing. With an I-message, you can convey the same message without sounding blaming. For example:
You-message: “You left the dishes in the sink again.” I-message: “When you don’t clean up after yourself, I feel taken advantage of.”
2. Communicate the entire message. According to McKay et al. in their excellent book Couple Skills (see Suggested Reading), complete messages include four components:
Observations: neutral statements of fact
Thoughts: your own opinions and beliefs
Feelings: descriptions of your emotions
Needs: a statement of what you need or want from the other person
Here is an example of a complete message: “The weekend is coming up. I hope we can go to the movies together. I would like to spend some time with you.” An incomplete message leaves out one or more of these components. It might sound like this: “I hope we can go to the movies this weekend.” There isn’t really anything wrong with this statement, but the first one is more complete and will more likely result in the speaker getting what he or she wants.
3. Don’t use your feelings as weapons. Just describe what you are feeling as objectively as possible, not aggressively. Be as specific as possible and keep your voice under control. For example:
Objective: “I felt really hurt when you said that I probably wouldn’t pass the bar the first time.”
Aggressive: (yelling) “You are such an idiot! How dare you insult me like that!”
4. Use specific language. When you have a complaint, be specific. For example, “I’m upset that you left the food out on the table” is clearer than saying, “Thanks for the mess you left me.” The first statement is less likely to produce defensiveness and leaves little room for misunderstanding.
5. Focus on the problem, not the person. Consider how different these two statements sound:
“You are such a complete slob.”
“I wish you would take your stuff upstairs.”
Attacking someone’s personality or character—rather than a specific behavior—is different from simply expressing a complaint. A complaint focuses on a specific action. Criticism is more blaming and more global. It sounds like this: “You always screw the budget up. Can’t you do anything right?” Behavior like this is damaging to a relationship because:
• Criticism is destructive rather than constructive.
• It involves blame.
• Criticisms are global and tend to be generalizations (you always, you never, etc.).
• Criticisms attack the o
Getting Unstuck“What kind of people come to see you?” skeptics sometimes ask, the tone of voice implying that I only consult with lunatics. .....
